Why are we silent?

Conversation & silence


Conversations make the relationship live. Research has shown that relationship satisfaction is strongly related to conversation satisfaction. And not with the number and duration of the discussions, but with the quality of the discussions. So the point is that we don't talk to one another, but that we talk to one another and try to understand one another. We take time for each other and for our conversations, also the time and the opportunity to get to know each other again and again. Even after long years of marriage, I still don't know my husband completely, for example, and sometimes I'm amazed at what's new to discover. Even if we often don't have to talk at all in certain situations, one look is enough and we both know what we're thinking. And yet we always have to say something about ourselves to each other. What we appreciate about each other. How I feel. How I experience the other. What depresses us. What we are happy about.

"How am I supposed to know something about you if you don't tell me?" Said the old German poet Goethe. Today you hear so often B. in films: "We have to talk to each other." - and then they talk forever, hiding the most important things from each other and then the entanglements come. That can be very good for the tension in a film, but in living together it only brings difficulties and misunderstandings and we should avoid these as much as possible and therefore speak plainly.


Silence is also important. Especially when you are always close together due to external circumstances such as Corona. The silence is good at times. Sometimes you just need a break for yourself! Everyone has to be silent if he or she wants to think and collect his or her own thoughts. Even if you ultimately have to decide something together, I first have to know what I would actually like to have. What is important to me, I first have to clarify for myself in silence so that I can then talk to the other person about it. In a joint conversation we can find out what works for both of us.

There is a silence that I need for myself to be with myself. There is also a mutual silence, where you feel so much that you are on the same wavelength that you don't have to say anything anymore. B. grabs your hands or cuddles and simply gratefully enjoys this harmony. You cannot plan and make these moments, but you can deal with each other in such a way that they can happen, that they are given to us.

Unfortunately, there is also another, a "bad" silence. Love doesn't need that. I withdraw from you, I don't even tell you what annoys me, you should just figure it out for yourself. Even worse, I'm even happy if you feel bad about it. But that is nothing other than willful destruction of our love. That doesn't help me. That doesn't help you. Something like that just can't exist if our relationship is important to me / us.

And there is also a benevolent silence: sometimes holding back, not always throwing everything at the other's head straight away. Better to wait for a better opportunity until I'm calmer and the other person can better take what I want to say to them.