How can you cheer up a stranger?

How do I comfort someone who is lovesick?

It was in the middle of the night, maybe three o'clock, when my phone rang. At first I didn't understand who was on the other end of the line because all I heard was heartbreaking sobs. Suddenly I was wide awake. Only one person cried like this. My friend L. Because of her affair. He held it out. Dreamlike harmonious phases alternated with those in which he did not answer for weeks and she was tormented with rumors that he also had something with other women. L. hadn't wanted to believe in it. But that night she had heard it live, now she was crying in the subway and needed my support.

When she finished telling the whole story, I wasn't just awake. Finally I had proof of what I thought I already knew: that T. was a particularly bad guy. I happily began to get rid of a series of insults about him. Said that I had always known that he didn't deserve it anyway and that he reminded me very much of one of my own bad acquaintances. When L. felt a little better again and she began to lose herself in fantasies of revenge, I encouraged her and helped her think about what we could do to him and the strange woman. I was a good friend. I thought. In doing so, I had done everything wrong that can be done in comforting a lovesickness afflicted person.

"There are a few real no-gos," says Daniela van Santen. "You should never speak ill of the mourner's partner, you should never talk about your own experiences. Sentences like" Be glad you met him / her are particularly bad. instead you should show empathy and comfort. It is also good to offer those affected to move in with them for a while or to open their own apartment for him or her. "

Daniela van Santen is a lovesickness coach and head of the "Hamburger Liebeskummerpraxis". People come to her who don't know what to do because of sheer lovesickness The procedure is: "Listen, listen, listen, comfort and ask how it's done. And over and over again. Better too often than too rarely." Unhappy lovers often tend to tell the stories that weigh on them so often that they can be shared with them at the same time. And by the tenth time at the latest, even your best friend loses patience a little. But it should be forgivable: “Everyone decides for themselves how long they want to mourn. In the comforting position, you should never say that it's enough now, "emphasizes Daniela van Santen." Sayings like 'Now pull yourself together' are completely inappropriate. "

In case of doubt, only one thing helps: to see for yourself how often you have called your girlfriend in a tearful voice and to remember how patient she was when O. once again did not answer for a week and you had asked the same question over and over again: "Why is he so to me?"

Marie-Charlotte Maas, 28, knows today that she was not quite right about her opinion about T.: He and L. have been a couple for three years, and yet they are pretty happy. She learned: your opinion doesn't count. At least not in this case.

Five tips for the perfect heartache comfort: 1. Listen, listen and ask! Even if the person concerned tells the story for the 100th time, you have to go through it as a good friend. Keeping your own opinion behind the mountain, because it doesn't matter at first. The person concerned just wants to speak out and cry.

2. In no case do you talk about your own experiences. The good idea behind it, based on the motto "I've always felt so bad", brings no consolation in this case.

3. Keep sayings like "It'll be fine", "Other mothers also have beautiful sons / daughters" to yourself. In the case of real lovesickness, they are inappropriate, they do not help and the person concerned does not feel that they are being taken seriously, and may even become sad or angry.

4. Listening to the other person's thoughts of revenge is one thing - to encourage or even help with implementation is strictly forbidden. Thoughts of revenge help with processing, you should never go through with them. Later one will only be ashamed of it.

5. Please never talk about your own happy relationship. Other friends have to serve for these conversations, because people with lovesickness just feel too painful.

Text: marie-charlotte-maas - Cover: mademoiselle2608 / photocase.com