How do you make a mess
I am in chaos.
As I write this, I'm standing with my legs apart (better for my back) at the kitchen counter, my laptop is on the stove (WTF?), Next to me is the espresso pot (3 cups, the 4 cup is waiting), a glass of white wine, my yogurt with apples and chocolate crunch (at least, without sugar) and the cutting board with the bread crusts (haha, I swore never ever in front of the children) from the children's morning snack.
It's 10:37 a.m. and no, I don't drink every day, nor every day at this time. But when the child is awake until 11 p.m. and you are too tired even afterwards to have a leisurely glass of wine with your loved one, the timing is sometimes shifted. I don't know anything else, I just say shift work and such.
What is this actually about?
But no, it's not about the wine at all, it's about my mess. Just like other people say: “I have a back”, I can say: “I have chaos”.
Chaos in the head. Chaos in the apartment. Chaos in the email inbox. Chaos in life. It's a chaos life. And I have to say - I don't like it. It makes life difficult for me. Sure, at some point you find it funny when friends refer to you as a "chaos queen" with a loving smile. But at the latest since the children were born and I've been self-employed, I've got the feeling more and more often and actually every day that everything is growing over my head.
Laundry. Piles of laundry. You can't wash it, fold it up and put it in the closet as quickly as it gets dirty again.
Children's toys. All over! There are children's toys on every shelf, on the floor, in every room, everywhere. Books, duplo, puzzle pieces, collected stones, pictures with just one stroke of colored pencil, dolls, pillows - stuff!
Magazines. Stacks, everywhere. Under the kitchen bench, on the arm of the sofa in the living room, on my desk. Plus: snippets of magazines. From the many, helpless attempts to eliminate the stacks and finally, finally, to create order.
I have the feeling that someone keeps packing everything that's lying around in a sack and as soon as I've cleaned up, he dumps it over us again. Gently distributes the contents of the chaos bag throughout the apartment. Rubs his hands together giggling and leans back contentedly when I go insane. Because I just can't fight the chaos.
Sometimes I ask myself - is that just ME? Is that my character, my middle name and is the name program? Or have I just never learned to organize myself properly and to keep order? Do I care about clutter and chaos?
I can at least answer the last question with a very clear NO. I don't care. I find order to be nice and calming. I long for order and still just can't manage to implement my resolutions and above all, To keep order.
Of course, there are now studies to which the article Chaos Promotes Creativity also refers that says that - creative people need chaos in order to be creative. The best ideas arise out of chaos? Is that so?
When chaos paralyzes instead of promoting creativity
Right now I feel like it isn't. That my chaos is hindering me, us. That we lack a clear structure that children can use for orientation. It happens to me quite often that I have so much to do or so much is on my list that I am paralyzed and cannot even begin. And it's really not about “perfect down to the smallest detail and suitable for instagram”, anyone who knows us knows that. And everyone else: imagine you can't bring the children to daycare because you can't find the key. That's the way it is here sometimes.
At some point you get to the point where nothing works anymore. Not life, not job, not relationship. And if something is still going on, it goes wrong and out of hand. There have been things for weeks, for years actually, that I just can't get on with.
- One baby-sitter find someone I can and want to entrust my children to.
- A Home helpbecause we only manage the bare minimum in the household and I would love to have an apartment that I can invite spontaneously to.
- One large wooden table to find something that we all like, that we can sit and work and eat, drink and celebrate, talk and laugh and suffer. The documented tantrums, tears, laughter and wine. A table for good and bad times.
- Finally back to regular Sports to go.
- Me regularly with all mine friends and mine family to report and also meet them.
So many plans, so little time. Or is it the organization?
I always keep in mind: others can do it too. I don't really know anyone who is as overwhelmed with life as it often feels to me. Probably, most definitely, I don't seem like that to others either. I keep hearing that, but actually, actually my life is terribly chaotic. Is that just my problem? Or is it a problem of the Infinite Possibility Generation? In my specific case, this relates not only to my life plan and what I have already started and given up, but also to small and everyday things. For example - to find the right shoe rack.
Shoes in the hallway - absolute chaos
We always have absolute shoe chaos in our beautiful, huge, long old building corridor. Okay, I'll admit - we have a lot of shoes too. But none the less - in other families, many shoes are neatly stored in the shoe rack. For years, however, I have accepted that the shoes are lying around in the hallway, that we stumble over them, suddenly a shoe is always missing and I keep thinking about the group that used to be at StudiVZ: "No, I have no visitors, these are all my shoes".
But why can I just not find the right shoe rack? Because it has to meet many criteria: it has to be pretty, preferably a designer piece that also looks good in photos. It should blend in well with the hallway (which brings us back to the topic: what should the hallway actually look like? Possibilities upon possibilities), preferably not costing a thousand euros. Enough shoes have to fit in and which shoe rack is that? It should be the right one, the shoe rack that I will still like one year and, preferably, five years from now. Throwing away and buying a new one doesn't really have to be, keyword sustainability.
Incidentally, the problem with the shoe rack can be transferred to any other situation.
A frayed daily routine
I also rarely manage to do a thing from start to finish. While I was writing this post, I was cooking (pasta with salmon in cream sauce), changing a diaper, writing WhatsApp messages, tasting flowers from the grill, putting the dishwasher away, warming up my fourth cup of coffee in the microwave and realizing that it was really disgusting tastes good, listened to children's stories and washed up.
Since the children were born, I have had the feeling that my head is always full and that it is getting fuller every day. Unfortunately, to-do lists don't help either, they neither empty my head, nor do they somehow become shorter themselves, because more tasks are added every day than I could cut off. In addition, it is unfortunately the case that I am far too disorganized here as well. Here is a little piece of paper on the desk, there is one stuck in the calendar, the crumpled memories rustle in the handbag and yes, they are on the floor too.
I say ten times to the children: “Well, let's really get dressed now!” And instead of doing exactly that, I do two other things “quickly” on the way to the shoes, then pling the iPhone and bang, a quarter of an hour has passed and the children have long been playing again.
Yeah, that's a good question. I'm not so sure myself what I'm doing with this post. Maybe a bit of pressure to move in the right direction, à la "Insight is the first path to recovery„?
Mainly it helps me to write everything down. Write, formulate, and thereby also become clearer and clearer to me. What problems are there anyway? Which ones have priority? What solutions are there for us? To me? Am I actually solely responsible for this chaos, for the missing structure in our family, in the household, in life? Did I always want to control everything too much, I just couldn't get it right and now I'm knee-deep in the gum-chewing chaos? Are my standards too high? Do we maybe have to become minimalists?
I don't know, but it's good to have written it all down. And maybe one or the other feels the same way and we notice that we are not overwhelmed by ourselves? Or are you the absolute organizational talent and have tips for me? I would be very grateful to you.
And now I'm finally going to get the children dressed.
Edit: I wrote the text a few weeks ago - I have now made a huge step in the right direction. We found a babysitter, or rather - she found us. Best decision ever!
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