Why do people deny psychological abilities

In discussions, conflicts or arguments, it happens again and again that it goes "for hours" about who behaved and how, did something wrong, misunderstood something, etc. This means that the problems are addressed openly, However, the interlocutors do not know what should be changed now or how such a dispute can be prevented in the future.

Sometimes you don't just stick to one problem, but tell the other what has been going wrong for "the last 20 years". After such conversations one feels heavy and discouraged, is angry with oneself and the other person or feels misunderstood - a sure sign that you and the person you are talking to have got into a "problem trance", that you only talk about problems, but no longer about possible solutions.

In such situations, so-called problem-solving training is recommended. The aim of this technique is to discuss difficult topics in a structured and, above all, solution-oriented manner. At the end of the conversation there should be a solution that is acceptable and feasible for everyone involved.

Problem solving training consists of seven steps. The conversation techniques mentioned above are already a prerequisite for this. A willingness to compromise is just as necessary as the ability to say goodbye to your own ideal solutions.

Step 1: describe the problem

Address the issue you are currently talking about. Do not address all of your concerns at once, but define a topic for yourself. Give your interlocutor the time and opportunity to present his or her point of view. Listen carefully, don't interrupt. Ask if anything is unclear. At the end it should be possible to write down what the problem is exactly.

This conversation phase can sometimes take some time. It is important here that everyone understands which problem is to be discussed. Distractions from the topic can be avoided by saying, for example, “This is a different topic. We wanted to talk about ... today! "

Step 2: Write down the possible solutions

The aim here is to propose as many solutions as possible for the problem. Everyone should make at least one suggestion. Make sure that you do not yet value or even downgrade the solutions during this phase of the discussion. Allow all solutions - even unusual or crazy ones! Write down all of the above solutions.

Step 3: Discuss the possible solutions

Now, one after the other, discuss all proposed solutions with regard to their advantages and disadvantages. Do not just name the advantages of your own solution, but also shed light on the other side. Sometimes something is good for one that is bad for another. Make sure that you only rate the solutions and not the people or their characteristics!

Step 4: Choose the best solution (s)

Try to decide together on the best possible solution. In this phase there is often a kind of power struggle, as everyone wants to hold on to their solution. Show your willingness to compromise and, if necessary, remind the person you are talking to that no one will be helped if there is no common solution.

If the conversation stagnates here, please go back to point 2 and try to find other solutions.

Step 5: How can the best possible solution be put into practice?

Now consider together which steps are necessary to implement the solution. Try to be as specific as possible. Also determine who should do what exactly. Make a note of all the steps, this ensures more commitment.

Step 6: Check the implementation

In the next few days, make sure that the agreed steps are followed. Check both your own tasks and those of the other person. Express your appreciation when the person you're talking to keeps to the agreement. Kindly remind him of the deal if it has not been implemented within the agreed time.

Step 7: the feedback

Sit down again. In retrospect, discuss together whether the problem-solving training was successful. Focus your gaze on the steps that worked. A lot of hints are hidden here, which can also be helpful in difficult future situations.

Also discuss which obstacles made implementation difficult and what should be optimized next time. But don't re-enter the discussion. Every participant in the conversation should be able to say what went less well and what went well and ensure that at the end of the feedback round there is definitely a positive message.